Staying Strong: 365 Days a Year

1 January

Staying Strong

My all time favourite word, Staying Strong made it's sweetest impact on me when I turned sixteen. I constantly felt that I'm never good enough, and started to confide in the demons stirring within me. 26 alphabets can't express how awful and terrible I actually felt and I submitted myself to my blades and used to cut myself so badly, on my arms and legs, an although I was a haemophobic person, I felt good when blood gushed out of my wrists. I never loved myself, in fact discriminated and hated myself. I started to shut everybody out and pushed away anybody who could have possibly helped me. I got into a depression, had anxiety issues, was a schizophrenic person, and for a short time, starved myself, because I'm fat. 

Demi Lovato's Staying Strong: 365 Days a Year has taught me how to love myself and on this rocky road to recovery, has made such a huge impact on my life. Staying Strong is my mantra and almost all the time, I'll remind myself that I am worth the fight. I am not afraid to share my story and I want all of you who are suffering from disorders such as bulimia, eating disorders, schizophrenia, self harming, depression, anxiety issues, to know that you too, deserve to be loved and I love you all. Please know that I am here for you when you need someone to talk to, don't take it out on yourself, you are worth so much more than this. We'll get through this together. Stay Strong.

2 January

Now I'm a warrior

On this rocky road to recovery, I have faced so many obstacles in my life. My mood range was extreme and I over think almost all the time, and I would cry myself to sleep every night and it seemed that being alone and sad all the time was almost inevitable. And all the time, I felt so hurt, it was as though my heart has been removed, and stitched back without anesthetic. 

During my recovery, I was sensitive and serious about almost all conversations my friends made, when others jokingly said 'You're fat,' immediately, it made an impact on me and I skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner and I remembered how diet coke became my only diet because it was zero calories. I would go on Tumblr or Google, and frantically search for 'How to be anorexic' or 'How to starve myself' and I was so desperate at being skinny. All the time, I felt like I was never good enough and I would hate myself and say 'I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm worthless. And sometimes, when I get all hungry, and my stomach started to rumble, I would remind myself how fat I am and how others will hate me because I'm fat.

I am so blessed on this road to recovery, my family and friends have supported me throughout this painful and torturous road. I am a difficult person and I pushed away anybody who could possibly help me and I shut everybody out because I kept telling myself that I am not a mental patient and I don't need help. Honestly, at the bottom of my heart, I knew I needed help but the demons within me just refused to allow me to reach out to anybody. And sometimes, I cornered myself and my mind would create all kinds of demons that would be slowly eating me up. 

I never knew what being strong was, until being strong was my only option. I told myself 'I'll get through this, stay strong.' I'm so thankful for all of you who never gave up yet believed and supported me on this rocky road to recovering from self harming.All the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound. So ashamed, so confused, I was broken and bruised. My recovery has taught me to accept myself for who I am, and I have learned to love myself so much more. And I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her.  I want all of you to know that recovery is possible, and I'm never giving up on any of you who are suffering from disorders. Please don't ever up on yourself. Tell yourself ' I'm strong enough to fight the demons within me' and that's what I say to myself all the time when I needed a reason to stay alive, needed a reason to stay away from self harming and most importantly, needed a reason stay strong. 

3 January
Share your story
The reason I decided to become honest about my personal struggles is because the issues that I've dealt with are still taboo to talk about. Self harm, eating disorders, addiction and mood disorders are things people aren't always open about.

I was fifteen when I first cut myself. I didn't know why I was doing it. I've seen people in my school did it, I've seen people on the television doing it, and I thought this was a way to deal with whatever I was feeling. It was a way of expressing my own shame, on my own body. 26 alphabets couldn't express all the demons stirring within me, sometimes my emotion got so build up, and I didn't know what to do. The only way to get instant gratification was through an immediate release on myself.

I was ashamed of my own personal struggles and I just kept bottling things up in my heart. And almost all the time, I pretended I was okay.

It's so important that someone starts talking about these issues, so that those who are struggling know that there is help out there.

Stay Strong.