My self harm story

My self harm story

It all started last year.

For all my entire being, I had a mixed-gender education in Lion city. 

 I am a Roman Catholic and getting transferred into an all girls school was all I ever wanted and the best thing ever happened to me because I had God and really sweet teachers and friends with me. 

I made friends. Those who walked with me throughout entire journey. Those who have heard me pour my entire heart and soul out to them. Those who have saved me from myself when I was drowning in depression. Those who have worried about me when I started to self harm and started crying devastatingly at school. Those who never ever gave up on me no matter how much I disappoint you. Those who loved me when I had scars. Those who overcome my fears and obstacles with me. 

I started liking girls and all of this happened last year.

I started self harming for a girl.

I started getting blades.

I started to put that blade across my wrist and when I saw blood gushing out I felt a sense of relief.

I started crying myself to sleep.

I started with tumblr and I met self harmers. 

I started saving triggering self harming photos.

I started getting more blades.

And I started pushing all my friends away.

And I started hating myself.

And I started finding myself ugly.

And I started cutting and cutting and cutting.

And I got addicted.

And I started going for counselling.

And I started apologising to all my friends.

And I started as a happy person all over again.

And I started going out with all my friends.

And I started to love myself all over again.

And I had a short term happiness.

And I started feeling lost with the scars from all over my body.

And I started telling my friends about my desperate need of tearing open my wrist.

And I started seeking for help.

And I started going on tumblr.

And I started searching frantically for all the triggering self harm photos.

And I started getting blades all over again.

And I just relapsed.

2013

I celebrated New Year's Day with Daddy Yap and Mommy Yap.

I started a fresh year with new resolution.

I absolutely forgotten about the last time I self harmed.

And all I could ever remember was the last time I self harmed was back in August.

I started a new year.

January came and go

February came and go

March came and go

April came and go

May came  and go

June came and go

June 

I started studying and studying and studying.

I started to give up on my night rest and nap time to study.

I started going everywhere with books and notes.

I started going home early from breakfast lunch dinner with friends to study.

I started studying.

I was a study geek and a total mugger for my studies.

School reopened

And all things started happening.

I started to pretend I was fine in school.

I am sorry

I am sorry for pushing all of you away.

I am sorry I rejected all of your help because I don't want to waste your time.

I am sorry I disappointed all of you.

I am sorry for being such a waste of space.

I am sorry I existed.

I started hating myself.

I started deceiving myself.

I started getting more blades.

I started going into depression.

I started losing myself.

I started to destroy myself.

I started to get bulimic.

I started to self harm.

I started killing myself. 

I started to lose myself all over again.

I started getting sick and tired of being me.

I started loathing myself.

I started getting into severe depression.

I started getting bulimic.

I started getting schizophrenic.

I started getting paranoid.

My friends got worried about me.

I got into severe depression.

I got bulimic.

I got into severe schizophrenia.

I got paranoid.

When others look at me, I tell myself they are judging me.

When others look at me, I tell myself they are laughing at me.

When others look at me, I tell myself they are staring at my wrists.

When others look at me, I tell myself they are talking about me.

When others look at me, I tell myself they are hating me.

Because I'm fat

Because I'm worthless

Because you say you'll help but then you don't

Because everyone leaves

Because its the only way to cope

Because no one loves me

Because everyone forgets me

Because the nightmares are real

Because waking up is a disappointment

Because I don't deserve to live.

I'm frustrated because I'm a failure at everything.

July

Things started going back to the original place.

I still keep it all inside,

because I'd rather the pain destroy me,

than everyone else.

I'm sorry I am such a disappointment.

24/7/2013