Emotions aren't a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and passion.

21 January 2013

Never be ashamed of what you feel. 

You have the right to feel any emotion that you want and to do what makes you happy.

We aren't robots. What makes us exception as human beings is that we have the capacity to feel do many emotions all at once. 

I have to admit that I am the most emotional and insecure person. I hated myself whenever I had an emotional roller coaster going on, within me. I neglected my emotions and pretended to be happy because I wanted to escape from this entire reality which gets into me, and honestly, it's overwhelming.

I would bottle up my feelings and let it overwhelm me. And almost all the time, I'll cry myself to sleep every night because I could literally hear the demons speaking to me and my heart removed from my chest and stitched back without anesthetic. It gets so awful sometimes and it's so hard to talk it out to my friends because I was ashamed to express whatever I was feeling. Because I was so ashamed of my own feelings, I brought shame to myself and scarred my own body. Honestly, cutting never solved all the emotions stirring within me, instead, it slowly eats me up and it just gets worse.

I've laughed from crying and cried from laughing. And it's perfectly normal to do what makes you happy.

Emotions aren't a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and passion. Embrace your emotions and be proud of what you feel.

Stay Strong.

Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt

20 January

Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

- Eleanor Roosevelt 

There are people in this life who will take advantage of you and tell you who they think you are. 

During my recovery, I was sensitive and serious about almost all conversations my friends made, when others jokingly said 'You're fat,' immediately, it made an impact on me and I skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner and I remembered how diet coke became my only diet because it was zero calories. I would go on Tumblr or Google, and frantically search for 'How to be anorexic' or 'How to starve myself' and I was so desperate at being skinny. All the time, I felt like I was never good enough and I would hate myself and say 'I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm worthless. And sometimes, when I get all hungry, and my stomach started to rumble, I would remind myself how fat I am and how others will hate me because I'm fat.

And after all this time, I can never forget what they have said and sometimes it would affect me so badly.

Always remember, you are entitled to the life and love you deserve. The moment you let people make decisions on your behalf you have given up your dignity. But you can always get it back as long as you remember to connect with your higher power.

Stay Strong.

5 January

There are so many beautiful, talented souls in this world. Don't let anything stand in the way of your potential. -Demi Lovato 

On this rocky road to recovery, I've encountered so many people in my life who tell me that I can't do something.  Those people are just testing you and you can't let them bring you down. 

Recovery starts with R, but, so does Relapse. I used to struggle with recovery because I allowed the opinions of others to affect me so badly. My bipolar and anxiety disorders didn't help me at all, and I would always be watching others make conversation, and I'll be pinching myself, when others make a comment jokingly, I'll take it very seriously. I would constantly allow all negative comments made by others to control me and affect me.

There came a point of time, I was so afraid to even step out of my house because I didn't want to be judge. And I was afraid of others passing judgement about me. Sometimes, I allow those judgements to kill me mentally, and my emotions and feelings would start to build up quickly, and I just needed instant gratification. And wherever I go, I brought a blade with me. I would cut myself so badly, when my emotions and feelings got the worse out of me, and all the time, it seemed that all of these were beyond my control.

I started to lose friends drastically, others loathed me and I was being judged all the time because of the cuts on my arms. And things start to fell apart.

After all, I'm so thankful for all the friends who never lose faith in me. 

True friends will lift you up and believe in you. Don't allow anyone to tell you you can't live your dream because if you don't believe in yourself then nobody else will.

All the things that you have been holding back in your heart, let it go, and start doing it today. Be fearless.

Stay Strong.

6 January
Expose yourself to your deepest fear;
after that, fear has no power.
- Jim Morrison

When I was a kid, I had the biggest fear. I was afraid of knives and then I ended up self harming. In other words, I'm acting out my biggest fear. I hated cutting myself so much that I brought it upon myself. Make sure you aren't living out your fears, but releasing them. There is a purpose for every hardship or opportunity in your life.

Please know that I am always here for you if you need someone to talk to.

Stay Strong.

7 January
Accentuate The Positive
Eliminate The Negative
- Hayley Williams

When I was battling with all my disorders, I remember writing 'accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative' on my arms and not understanding it at first. When I decided to implement it in my life, a whole new world opened up for me. Inhaling the good vibes, self loathing thoughts to fighting the demons within me.

I've won this battle and on this rocky road to recovery, I have learn to love myself so much more, and accepted myself wholeheartedly as a person.

When you're positive about yourself and everything around you, you begin to see the world in a different light.

Stay Strong.

8 January

Love makes all things go round. There have been so many times in life when I felt lost and helpless, but when I come back to the love I have in my heart for my family and friends and for my own life, I feel peace.

Love is such a simple equation, with no complications. And that's why we take the people who love us for granted because they are always there for us, and we forget about them. We get so busy, sometimes we forgo simple things like spending weekends with our families and even just a simple gathering. I always forgo simple gathering and weekend with my families because we see each other almost every other day, now, I try spending quality time with my family and I make effort to write a letter, draw a picture, hug them and send ' I love you' on text messages.

I used to hate myself, until I loved someone. And it was the hardest thing to love someone and not love myself in return. I couldn't find a reason to love myself, not at all. I lost friends because they found it so hard to accept me and love me, and so they gave up. I started to love myself.

Let everyone you love know it. Bake them a cake, write them a letter, draw them a picture. Don't let them take your love for granted when you have so much to give.

I love you all. Stay Strong.

9 January
Mind over Matter

Don't waste your time with people who never appreciate and treasure you for everything you have to offer. And since I'm studying in an all girls school, I know girls who constantly change guys thinking they can change them or friends who don't have their best interests at heart, but it doesn't work that way. One of the keys to lasting relationship and friendships is mutual respect.

I'm being honest with all of you, I used to be so obsessed over this guy I had a crush on. And all the time, I had such high expectations of myself that I expected it from all my friends, and obviously him. And sometimes, I get all upset and frustrated because things wasn't going the way I had planned . I had a roller coaster of emotions and I was so uptight on the slightest issue, especially everything that was related to him. I'm such a difficult person, sometimes, even I myself can't understand how my friends tolerated me. I'm really blessed.

As time passes, I've come to realise that mutual respect is one of the most important keys to lasting relationships and friendships. Don't waste your time chasing anyone who has told you they don't want you around. Afterall, all of you deserve to be loved, and one day you will find the right key to his/her heart.

Stay Strong.

10 January
Don't invalidate your feelings.
Honor them.
- Demi Lovato

I used to run and hide from my feelings especially when I felt something that was painful, hurting, and triggering. And because I have learnt to love myself, I start to accept all of my feelings. I know my feelings are the hardest to overcome, however, in order for me to work through them, I must first honor and embrace all emotions. They are part of me.

Learn to honor and embrace your emotions, remind yourself how valuable they are.

Stay Strong.

My Self Esteem Story

4 January

Life can be so difficult at times, but fighting through the pain is so worth it. It's better to feel every kind of emotion than not feel at all.

- Demi Lovato

We are all humans and all of us have feelings, no matter how perfect our lives are. I watched my first Disney movie when I was five years old, Mama would read bed time stories to me. And I love how my bed time stories always end with the happily ever after. 

As I grew up, I came to know that happily ever after don't just come by like how they are often being written in fairytales and in my bed time stories. Happily ever after comes with a roller coaster of emotions. 

On this rocky road to recovery, I was not only dealing with depression, anxiety issues, eating disorders and self harming, in fact, I liked a boy. And he never knew about all of this, that I'm about to write. Things started to get exciting and I was so obsessed with almost everything he did, and I completely forgot about myself. I was anxious to tell him how I actually felt and I was always overthinking about how he would never accept a person like me, because nobody will ever love a self harmed, broken girl, like me.

 I started making statements that wasn't even true, and I started to loathe myself even more. I kept telling myself, ' You will never be good enough for him,' and I always compared myself to him, because I constantly felt so awful around him. My self esteem would drastically fall to rock bottom and I would end up losing myself, completely, when I was around him. I would push myself to my limits because I wanted to be good enough for him. And sometimes, when I could no longer conceal the feelings within me, I'll take it out on myself.

Sometimes I would think to myself, 'Why am I doing all of this? Why am I always the one suffering? Why does he not feel my pain? When will he ever notice how broken I am?' and all kind of negativity would start to grow in the darkest part of my mind when I'm alone. My heart, it hurts so badly everytime I see him because after that confession, it just totally killed me. And that was the time, I shut everybody out. I was on such a roller coaster of emotions, I would restrict, or find any way possible to avoid the immense pain, I was in.

Now, things are different. I realised people often choose to numb their pain with substances, but honestly, it's more courageous to walk through the fire with your eyes open. Instead of numbing my pain, I let myself feel all of the emotions that came to me. It was one of the most horrible, and difficult time in my life, but allowing myself to feel sadness and despair, made my fighting, through the pain, so worth it. It allowed me to begin healing in a healthy and honest fashion.

This recovery was made possible, partly because of him. Thanks for accepting me wholeheartedly as a person and for never losing faith in me, instead, you believed in me.

Staying Strong: 365 Days a Year

1 January

Staying Strong

My all time favourite word, Staying Strong made it's sweetest impact on me when I turned sixteen. I constantly felt that I'm never good enough, and started to confide in the demons stirring within me. 26 alphabets can't express how awful and terrible I actually felt and I submitted myself to my blades and used to cut myself so badly, on my arms and legs, an although I was a haemophobic person, I felt good when blood gushed out of my wrists. I never loved myself, in fact discriminated and hated myself. I started to shut everybody out and pushed away anybody who could have possibly helped me. I got into a depression, had anxiety issues, was a schizophrenic person, and for a short time, starved myself, because I'm fat. 

Demi Lovato's Staying Strong: 365 Days a Year has taught me how to love myself and on this rocky road to recovery, has made such a huge impact on my life. Staying Strong is my mantra and almost all the time, I'll remind myself that I am worth the fight. I am not afraid to share my story and I want all of you who are suffering from disorders such as bulimia, eating disorders, schizophrenia, self harming, depression, anxiety issues, to know that you too, deserve to be loved and I love you all. Please know that I am here for you when you need someone to talk to, don't take it out on yourself, you are worth so much more than this. We'll get through this together. Stay Strong.

2 January

Now I'm a warrior

On this rocky road to recovery, I have faced so many obstacles in my life. My mood range was extreme and I over think almost all the time, and I would cry myself to sleep every night and it seemed that being alone and sad all the time was almost inevitable. And all the time, I felt so hurt, it was as though my heart has been removed, and stitched back without anesthetic. 

During my recovery, I was sensitive and serious about almost all conversations my friends made, when others jokingly said 'You're fat,' immediately, it made an impact on me and I skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner and I remembered how diet coke became my only diet because it was zero calories. I would go on Tumblr or Google, and frantically search for 'How to be anorexic' or 'How to starve myself' and I was so desperate at being skinny. All the time, I felt like I was never good enough and I would hate myself and say 'I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm worthless. And sometimes, when I get all hungry, and my stomach started to rumble, I would remind myself how fat I am and how others will hate me because I'm fat.

I am so blessed on this road to recovery, my family and friends have supported me throughout this painful and torturous road. I am a difficult person and I pushed away anybody who could possibly help me and I shut everybody out because I kept telling myself that I am not a mental patient and I don't need help. Honestly, at the bottom of my heart, I knew I needed help but the demons within me just refused to allow me to reach out to anybody. And sometimes, I cornered myself and my mind would create all kinds of demons that would be slowly eating me up. 

I never knew what being strong was, until being strong was my only option. I told myself 'I'll get through this, stay strong.' I'm so thankful for all of you who never gave up yet believed and supported me on this rocky road to recovering from self harming.All the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound. So ashamed, so confused, I was broken and bruised. My recovery has taught me to accept myself for who I am, and I have learned to love myself so much more. And I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her.  I want all of you to know that recovery is possible, and I'm never giving up on any of you who are suffering from disorders. Please don't ever up on yourself. Tell yourself ' I'm strong enough to fight the demons within me' and that's what I say to myself all the time when I needed a reason to stay alive, needed a reason to stay away from self harming and most importantly, needed a reason stay strong. 

3 January
Share your story
The reason I decided to become honest about my personal struggles is because the issues that I've dealt with are still taboo to talk about. Self harm, eating disorders, addiction and mood disorders are things people aren't always open about.

I was fifteen when I first cut myself. I didn't know why I was doing it. I've seen people in my school did it, I've seen people on the television doing it, and I thought this was a way to deal with whatever I was feeling. It was a way of expressing my own shame, on my own body. 26 alphabets couldn't express all the demons stirring within me, sometimes my emotion got so build up, and I didn't know what to do. The only way to get instant gratification was through an immediate release on myself.

I was ashamed of my own personal struggles and I just kept bottling things up in my heart. And almost all the time, I pretended I was okay.

It's so important that someone starts talking about these issues, so that those who are struggling know that there is help out there.

Stay Strong.

I never knew what being strong was all about, until being strong was my only option.

I know it's pointless to like you because you'll never like me and you are so much more but I can't help but think maybe there's a chance. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone has ever felt about me the way I feel about the people I truly care for. Honestly, I'm not ready to lose you. I'm not ready to lose anyone just yet.

I am losing my thoughts and I can't seem to find the right words to describe how feel about anything. It's awful when I am always asking myself why I am not good enough and why you choose to leave me and I am left without answers.

I was completely devastated and I lost myself when I heard about it. I pretended that it was okay because they said that if you love someone and you want them to be happy, let them go. And one of the worst feeling I ever had was not knowing whether I should wait or give up.

I drowned myself with questions. Why did you choose her over me? Why are you so unfair to me? Why is it that you choose everyone else but me? Maybe because she is everything, I'm not. I've never loved someone so much until it hurts. And letting people go is so hard especially after investing so much time in them.

Last night I called you and I talked to you, telling you that it's okay and I'm really fine, because I didn't want you to worry and I didn't want you to feel bad about all of this. I admit I pretended that everything was okay. I never knew what being strong was all about,until being strong was my only option. I'm not going to pour my heart out for you because in the end it is still not enough to make you see that I am not okay.

I lose everyone else because I think that you were enough, maybe you are, after you left, no one was enough to fill that gap. Sometimes I want to tell you how unhappy I am or how hurt I am but I'm scared and I just hope that you'll notice it on your own and help me. When you left, so did my sanity and my happiness and sleep and the only thing that remained was the emptiness after losing you.

I will leave because right now that is the only thing I can do for you and besides, you don't need me anymore. It breaks my heart realising that everyone is moving on with their lives while I am still stuck here going no where fast. I don't know what's worst. Crying because I am upset or being unable to cry because I am too sad, beyond tears?

I hate it. I hate how you can hurt me and make me so weak and all I can do is accept it, yet unable to leave you like what you deserve. I'm always asking to be loved. I'm always asking too much. I'm always yelling and screaming my heart out but no one is listening to me. I pretended not needing you, pretended like words don't hurt, not being mind being left out, pretended to be happy, pretended that I was feeling fine and pretended like I never loved you. It hurts. And I knew that either of us is going to get hurt in the end and it's okay if I get hurt but I never want to hurt you.

You are the blood in my veins and losing you means losing my sanity and grip of reality, falling slowly into a hallucinatory fantasy.

After all, it's time to grow up, time to let go.

Hold my heart, it's beating for you anyways.

Remember the first time we talked? You've probably forgotten everything but I remember it so vividly and you're still stuck in my head. My heart is aching, but I know there is nothing I could possibly do about it. Because I am such a fool for you.

I tell myself that it's okay, because I didn't expect you to notice how your words managed to rip my heart apart and when you said good bye, it felt like forever.

I struggled in this vicious depression cycle, all alone with a face so full of tears. And I'm not going to pour my heart out for you because in the end it is still not enough to make you see that I am not okay.

Sometimes I just want to be good enough for you. Why can't you see that I am trying so hard just to get your attention? Why can't you see that I am struggling? Why can't you see the sacrifices I have made for you? Why can't you see that I have given up blood, sweat and tears for you?

Others tell me I am good enough and talented.

I doubt myself being good enough and talented because when it comes to you, I'm never good enough.

And because I was never good enough, I pushed myself to my limits.

I wanted so badly to be an all rounder.

I stayed up late every single night and studied just so that I can do well enough in my national exams and in my school work to be half as good as you are. Honestly, I am nothing but a failure in everything.

Sometimes I pretend I do not care but every once in a while I find myself back to the same place seeking for you. And sometimes I just wanted you to know that whenever I ever lose myself completely to the point where I can't be fixed, it was always you who had been keeping me alive. And sometimes, I realise I miss you so much to the point where my heart is breaking.

Those demons and monsters which have been talking to me at night, they weren't under my bed. They were from within my heart. And I remembered how my parents drove me to the hospital and how I imagined myself prying open the car door and fell hard onto the cold ground, with a face so full of tears. I pictured my body lying on the ground and at that time, a car might have already killed me. And as cold hard truth came straight in my face, it was as though my heart wasn't working that night. Nobody could fix me. And all of them became my enemy. I felt my stomach had a heart that throbs and mocks at me and my face was so full of tears as I mumbled to myself, ' I will live for your sake.'

I do like you very much but to tell you the truth would pull you away from me because you know, I know that you will never learn to love me.

the human heart is roughly the size of a fist

Did you ever wonder? why people gather when others die? why people feel they should?